ADVICE: A thing of beauty is a joy forever

A reader asks how much is caring too much about beauty?

Designs for Living is an advice column "dispensing sound advice in a noisy world.” Need advice? Write to me here. The previous home of this column was The Baffler. Paid subscribers get access to this column, and the entire archive of advice.

The beautiful, fab Anna May Wong

Dear Marlowe,

First off, I want to thank you for your writing!

Now, I have a question regarding beauty, in particular the beauty of others. I see beauty more as an attention to the self. What kind of attention people put in their presentation, how they carry themselves, whether they stand for how they look. In other words, I think everyone has it in them to be beautiful. But so often I am on dates wondering: why are you not putting in that effort?

Personally, I pride myself on being stylish and a good conversationalist. It takes effort and I enjoy it. It irks me that there is this gap. I jokingly call it the hotness gap. Of course, there is more to value when it comes to dating, and I have a lot more qualities. Am I being shallow (I don’t think so, honestly) or are my dates being shallow for valuing my beauty but not theirs? How do I have fun while dating someone who is less aesthetically inclined? Will this get better with age? I am only at the little age of 20 right now…

Love, Pearl in Swine World

Dear Pearl,

This is such a funny question, I sent it to my friends being like, “Why does this sound like me???” I love the amount of young people who write in for advice.

Now, BEAUTY! As I wrote in my seminal (the amount of people who have tried to take this title from me) text on Bimboism:

Just like Hollywood, men want women who fit into their lives neatly, without too much adjustment on their part. The bimbo, in all her glory, is a walking reminder that femininity is a process of making oneself. High maintenance and high effort. The more time a bimbo puts into her looks, the less time she spends on anyone but herself.

I’m not saying we’re all bimbos here, but I am saying that femininity and, especially the way you define beauty, is a process of making yourself.