Dressing for Two

ADVICE: A reader asks how to fix her "Style Gap Relationship"

Designs for Living is an advice column "dispensing sound advice in a noisy world.” Need advice? Write to me here. The previous home of this column was The Baffler. Paid subscribers get access to this column and the entire archive of advice.

Dear Marlowe,

I almost didn't submit this, but then I saw your essay on taste and took it as a sign. I love clothes and I love to play with my personal style. I wouldn't say I'm the best-dressed person I know, but I am someone who cares and enjoys experimenting with how I present myself. My fiancé does not. And although sometimes it doesn't bother me, sometimes it kind of does!!

Having Taste

We've been together for just under three years and I've known him since we were kids. We were friends before we became what we are today, which is important not just because it shows how dear our relationship is to me, but because I do understand he just wasn't raised to see clothes as a way to express himself (which re your essay I do agree is a big part of honing this skill). He never looks sloppy or underdressed for important things. He cares about how he looks and has said he wants to "dress more grown up," but hasn't changed anything. Basically, he doesn't have personal style. I have tried a few things. I've helped him pick out outfits from his closet but he always negotiates me down to something more basic. I've even bought him a few pieces as gifts (pieces that I swear align to what he likes, but just a bit more interesting or elevated - I don't want to change him) and he is grateful and seems to like them but never wears them.

When we've talked about it, he seems hesitant and maybe scared to use the way he looks as some kind of declaration of who he is. Like I said, it's a skill he's never honed. This doesn't make me less attracted to him. I'm going to marry this man and although this isn't a deal breaker I do wish we shared some kind of visual code as a couple.

Is that shallow? Is that my Instagram brain? I don't even know if I'm asking you for advice on how to help him become more comfortable experimenting with his look, or if I'm asking if I should just give up the quest and lean into being the glamorous one in the relationship. Help!

Signed,
Style Gap Relationship

Dear Style Gap,

My friends often send me photos of people they’re dating and are like, “They’re really nice, and I like them a lot, but they wear… stuff like this.” I usually respond with, “STOP!” If you think I’m militant about this kind of thing, I am absolutely not. I listen to Bella Freud’s podcast, Fashion Neurosis and when she asks each guest whether they would still fancy someone if they hated the way they dress, I’m always so shocked when people say no! Like Shakira sings, “Underneath your clothes, there’s an endless story.” Once again, why are we building WALLS in between each other!