I Want To See Myself!

Two readers ask how to navigate uncertainty in who they are

Designs for Living is an advice column "dispensing sound advice in a noisy world.” Need advice? Write to me here. The previous home of this column was The Baffler.

Dear Marlowe,

I have gone through a lot of changes and challenges in recent years. Moved to a new city, started a new job, left that job, lost friends, and distanced from some family members. I feel like a lot of how I defined my identity has changed and I feel a bit of a void in how I define myself. Sometimes I feel excited about the possibilities, but often I feel a lot of discomfort. And it affects my work, because I’m a writer, so I feel I need to define myself in that way as well. How do you navigate times like these so that you can come out on the other side with more certainty in your own self-expression?

-Searching for Expression

Dear Marlowe...

I want to have a stylish life. What I mean is I want to be so inside my life that it shows. That I’m not just a pile of kids hiding in a trench coat trying to look like I know what I’m doing, trying to fit in. The thing is, I’m riddled with self-doubt. [I] compare myself endlessly but also judge everyone else pretty harshly. How do I live for myself, inside myself, owning my one little life?

-Riddled with Self-Doubt

Dear Expression & Self-Doubt,

I’ve included both your letters because I think they pose similar questions about the self and how we set out to define our identities. Owning your little life is such a lovely phrase. However worried you both may be, outlining these desires in the first place is a good sign. Most people go on and on with their routines and schedules without taking a moment to interrogate what they want out of life.

As you get older, that interrogation only becomes more pressing. Once I turned thirty, thinking about this conundrum took up much of my time. I had taken a few detours, had a parade of similar relationships, had the book out in the world. I had an urge to reacquaint myself with who I was separate from those things. I was sick of consuming, sick of my personality becoming a commodity, and I was sick of doing a song and dance for everyone. I am ashamed to say I had been on my phone too much and felt like my brain was subsisting on taffy, and I could feel a growing hunger for things more substantial, more nourishing. As much as I had played into it, going for cocktails and wearing good dresses was fine but it bored me once it became something people wanted to see. I’d been doing that for a decade, anyway!