On Failed Engagements

Everyone should have at least one...

I wrote this essay a couple of years after I stopped being engaged! I sometimes forget that happened to me….Enjoy!

---

Everyone should have at least one failed engagement. I love saying that. It is so punchy, and makes people laugh. It is laissez-faire about tragedy, my favourite brand of humour. Getting married had been agreed upon. There was no proposal involved. There was just the filling out of boring paperwork. The administration of being in love, and being from two different countries.

I had never been given the ring—it just sat in a pocket somewhere, in a midnight blue velvet box, never having lived up to its purpose. It was an unfulfilled talisman. I had seen it kicking around, but could never open it. If it had been the wrong size or shape, it would have cast a shadow over my relationship somehow. It would be the first broken seam to have the whole thing unravel, which of course, it did eventually.

The mourning period for my future was long and slow. This future had been all we invested in, a time when we could finally be together. I saw a future in South Brooklyn where all the literary people wore earth tones and glasses. I saw two charming and savvy children (eventually). I saw easiness, security, and a foundation—which I had never grown up with and deeply craved. I saw myself being taken care of.