ADVICE: The Fires of Friendship

Two readers ask about the complexities of keeping friends

I did a call out the other day for new advice letters as my inbox was feeling a little light! Thank you to those that wrote in, I have read them with great interest and hope to answer you soon. It seems a lot of you are in Masters programs…

The last few days I have been fixated on trapping a distressed cat that appeared in my neighbourhood only last week. I have provisionally named him Rocky because of his cauliflower ear which reminds me of a boxer. Of course, I don’t do anything halfway so you’re talking to a woman who has just been certified as a feral cat colony caretaker (I took a two hour webinar and got PERFECT on my test). See, I’m always telling people to take up interests. My plan with Rocky is to trap him, take him to the Humane Society to get checked for a microchip / health assessment. Will share with my readership any thrilling developments.

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Designs for Living is an advice column "dispensing sound advice in a noisy world.” Need advice? Write to me here. The previous home of this column was The Baffler.

Hi!

I've been in a new city for a few years now but still feel like I'm cementing my friendships here. I have a couple good friends who I see relatively often and feel like my social circle has widened quite a bit in the past year. I made a new friend in the past 6 months who I really connect with whenever we're together. She's smart, empathetic, funny, and chic. The issue is that she works a bit of a hectic job and she's super slow to respond whenever I reach out. But when she DOES respond, she's super heartfelt and interested in my life. However, I can't help but feel a little neglected whenever she's forgotten about a plan of ours or takes days and days to respond. Should I feel this way? Should I accept the friendship as it is and probably not let it ascend to "best friend" status? What would you do?

-Not Friend Enough

Dear Marlowe,

I am in my late 20s and have moved many times this decade. The result is lots of long-distance friendships, which can be difficult to manage for various reasons. Lately, I’ve been especially troubled by the LDFs with a couple of longtime close friends. It feels like our conversations, when they happen — every few months when we can align our schedules and timezones — are surface-level and a bit strained. For a while, I consoled myself by thinking that when we saw each other IRL, the spark would be relit and our old dynamics would resume. And that was the case for a few years. But recently, even hanging out in person feels uncomfortable and strange (like we can’t engage in the kind of profound, soul-searching chats that used to be so routine). I’m frustrated by this change, and by feeling like important relationships are slowly fraying to nothingness. But I don’t know what to do. When I talk to my friends, they don’t seem concerned about the shift, which makes me feel alone. And I don’t want to come across as insecure or like I’m creating problems,. But I can’t live with this paranoia (are we OK? are we over? should we have a formal friend break-up?) much longer. I feel as though without some intervention, I’ll lose valuable friendships that would’ve survived had we ended up in the same city. Please help!

-LDF Averse

Three on a Match (1932)

Dear Readers,

I’ve included both your letters here because I really think they’re similar in their quandary. I spend a lot of time thinking about friendship, philosophically. I think this has been the case since I was a teenager, since I have quite a few friendships that go all the way back to then. By the time I could hang up my schoolbag I was dialling my friend’s numbers by heart and would go from one conversation to another until dinner time…Honestly, I can still remember some of their phone numbers.

Friendships have ended over distance, differences, disappointments etc. etc., and each time has not been easy. I pour over these losses from a number of angles, so I understand both your concerns—it can be both painful and terribly vulnerable to feel like the one who cares the most.

Now, with regards to long-distance friends. Almost all of my closest friends have moved countries once or twice. I think of them as a constellation of moving parts. I myself have lived in several different places and feel like I’ve only just stood still. The upkeep of these friendships require a little more finesse. I would say that as a basic rule, anyone in New York will not keep rigorous contact with you if you are not physically in New York. This is just the way it is. Since I go to the city four-ish times a year, I see my NY friends more regularly than the ones who live local to me. Never underestimate the power of only being in town for a few days.

Now, with regards to upkeep. I have always been the person to facilitate. There were times I would feel down about this because I hated thinking if I never texted, no one would ever try to see me. But then, when people did try I was inevitably not in the mood or busy or out of town. Eventually, I have just taken it on the chin that I am the one that must make seeing my friends happen. I’ve talked to friends about why this is, and there is just an air of people thinking that I’m probably busy. (Little do they know I am busy trying to trap feral cats).

To LDF Averse, I hope you also have a solid group of friends that are local to you. I know how hard it is to line up schedules, but in terms of the nourishment that comes with friendship, I would say long distance friends are more like the amuse-bouche or digestif. Friends that are near should be the ones you invest most energy in. When I first moved to London I missed my core group of girl friends so much, I would do video calls with them each week. It was only once we all became too busy, did I feel the urge to invest in the people who were actually around me.

I would also suggest accepting that most friendships ebb and flow over the course of your life. There will be periods of not speaking for some obtuse reason, there will be relationships that take friends from you, and then there is the space you need to give to let people figure their lives out.

Last year, I had one such instance with a close friend.