ADVICE: The Horrors of Cozy Domesticity

Long term relationships + How I take my martini

Designs for Living is an advice column "dispensing sound advice in a noisy world.” Need advice? Write to me here. The previous home of this column was The Baffler. Paid subscribers get access to this column and the entire archive of advice.

Chère Marlowe,

What are your thoughts on the gin to vermouth ratio? What about olive brine?

Bisous, pink stemmed glass

This I ~must~ answer in a pressing fashion. I have to admit to being off of gin for the last… decade or so. A gin and tonic was my chosen drink as a young party girl and honestly, now I just cannot touch it. There’s an urban legend (myth?) that says gin makes women cry (it is referred to as Mother’s Ruin), and really it made me kind of ragey and no one wants that!

The perfect martini for me is a dirty vodka martini poured in a chilled glass. Not too wet, I like it very dry. People have been doing too much with their vermouth blends and sometimes they can taste a bit sweet which really puts me off. My best friend and the person I drink martinis with the most likes a vodka martini with a twist and very dry as well. Mostly, the best martinis are ice cold.

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Hi Marlowe,

First, I just want to say that I am a certified Happy Hour fan and Marlowe Granados stan. I feel like if we were to meet in real life we would probably quickly realise how different our personalities are, but in a way that wouldn't preclude us becoming fast friends.

I am seeking your advice because you represent the kind of woman that I feel exists within me but often needs help being coaxed out, one who deeply appreciates beauty of all kinds, who eschews sentimentality and relishes EXPERIENCE. My dilemma is thus: I am grappling with the feelings of boredom and cosy happiness that coexist in my relationship of 3+ years. For almost all of these 3+ years, my boyfriend has been living nearby, we have found many mutual friends and have enjoyed many fun/wild/enriching experiences. Yet I feel conflicted, as I reach my 30s, about staying in a relationship with someone who I love, but in which I don't feel free (and not because of any fault in the ways that he loves me).

I think constantly about what it would be like to be single once again, and have the freedom to feel other romantic attachments, no matter how frivolous, painful or dull they might turn out to be. What's more, this feeling has been present for almost all of our relationship, but has perhaps been put into relief recently due to a recent meeting I had with someone who I used to see casually many years ago, and have rekindled a friendship with. Am I doomed to feel like this in any other long-term relationships to come? Shall I just let the chips fall as they may in life and love, 'going with the flow', as it were, or does my summary indicate to you that it's time for ACTION rather than RELAX-tion?

Yours, Confused Cutie

Dear Confused Cutie,

Thank you so much for writing in and being so honest! I decided to answer your query because it’s something that I recognize and have dealt with in a rather fresh way. Something really bothers me about when I see young women desperate to get a partner, like once you get one you enter a fixed state. Also that the role of partner is just some kind of faceless entity. It just does not seem curious at all about what kind of relationship people want. It’s so person non-specific, when it should be the most specific thing in the world!

I’ve written about this before in an old Baffler advice column:

As a woman, being able to decide instead of waiting to be decided on is ideal. You must ask yourself, “Do I only want to be with someone out of loneliness?” Or, “Is this person treating me in a way that I like, but I doubt I can reciprocate,” or the popular, “Do I feel pressure to continue this in any way out of guilt?” Know that just because you’ve been on a couple of blasé dates, it does not mean everything, and everyone is bad. If I could tell anyone who wanted to venture into romance this, I would. There is no such thing as failing.

Sometimes going through a relationship is the only way to develop a set of needs and expectations that are either being met or are growing hungry as you evolve. Something I think you should ask yourself in this kind of situation is whether your relationship is deepening over time. Do you want it to deepen? Is this coziness something you can imagine yourself living for the next five years at this current tempo? Do you think you both are progressing, evolving, growing together?

I have discussed this so much over the last six or so months with my friends. Often, it’s also not even a question of the other person, but also what goals you have about the person you want to become. I think about the kind of woman I want to be (we are all obviously in PROCESS), and I also think long and hard about whether I am at a rest stop, or taking an easier path (the path of no resistance) to settle into a semblance of what society sees as bliss.