What's a Little Skin, Anyway?

A reader asks how to feel confident away from what's "traditionally" sexy

Designs for Living is an advice column "dispensing sound advice in a noisy world.” Need advice? Write to me here. The previous home of this column was The Baffler.

Katherine Hepburn giving a lesson in magnetism without much skin

Hi Marlowe,

The idea of feeling sexy is incredibly complicated and difficult for me. I realized at an adolescent age I liked to dress in ways considered dated and unflattering. essentially, the bagginess and androgyny of 80s clothing was what I liked and continue to like. My dad once told me that when he thought of the way I dress, the word "frumpy" came to mind. Honestly, the times I feel the best and most confident are when I'm wearing clothes not considered "feminine" because they don't accentuate my body and my breasts. I've always hated how big my breasts are, and it was this coupled with my insecurity of not looking or feeling like a "sexy woman" that pushed me to realize I was non-binary. It's still tough because I live with cis women and every time we go out clubbing or to bars, I don't feel as sexy or attractive or confident because I don't look like them. How do I feel sexy and confident in my clothing even if they aren't the standard image of sexy femininity?

Dearly,

Anything but Frumpy

Dearest No-Frump,

Thank you for your letter! I’ve always thought feeling “sexy” is foreign to me. Looking sexy is a whole other matter, too. We share this in common! I can imagine that being blessed with a generous décolletage makes so many cuts of clothing impossible to wear when you’re not feeling particularly showy. I don’t have many clothes that are body-skimming, simply because I’m so all over the place that the idea of fussing around, making sure I’m not falling out of anything feels like hard work. This is also similar to re-applying makeup over the course of an evening. Set it and forget it! And honestly, I do not feel connected to my body in that way. I think of it as a vessel that holds my personality, and putting my body out there first feels besides the point.

When you mention your roommates, I’m imagining girls from the cast of Love Island. Going out with girls who are savants in the ways of contour, boob tape, straightening irons, makes me feel so… lazy? I admire it so much, but also when I’ve been out with them I know that no one looks my way because I don’t fit within that particular context. I consider myself very feminine, but when I’m in that kind of environment I can understand how many levels of femininity there really are. In “normie” circles I am relegated to being the strange writer woman who wears “interesting” clothes. This is fine—I have other attributes to play with! I am confident with that knowledge and can move within those circles accordingly, without my ego bruised.

Now, it’s important to build up INTRIGUE. Not even with a certain audience in mind, but a general aura. Something that gets people asking, “Who’s that?” If sexy isn’t something you feel suited to, why not aim for COMPELLING? You may ask, how can one even aim for that? The people I am most curious about are those that feel at ease with themselves. They make you feel at ease, too. From your question, I think you are looking for a small adjustment to add a certain sensuality to the way you wear clothes. It need not be as simple as what we typically think of as sexy, but in a way that feels very you.